Archives For relationships

Lucky I’m in Love with My Best Friend

September 24, 2012 — 1 Comment

Hows Your Heart 1024x317 Lucky Im in Love with My Best Friend

Back in 2009, I attended a three-day youth leadership retreat. In the second day, there was an open forum. Someone asked the panel, “How do I deal with a best friend of the opposite sex?”

One of the panelists responded, “That’s impossible, for the only person of the opposite sex you can be best friends with is your spouse.” Another commented, “If you are married and you encountered problems, will you go to your best friend instead of your spouse?” It makes sense.

Now the audience laughed at the second response. Immediately, the panelist raised his voice and drove home his point. The audience became silent at an instant. I guess we got his point.

I wanted to write about this topic long ago. But I just had no opportunity. I believe now is the perfect time.

CAN IT BE “WITHOUT FEELINGS” FOR LONG?

This question will inevitably rise in this discussion: Can a guy-girl bestfriendship thrive without any of the two falling in love?

A few weeks ago, I read a Boundless article by John Thomas entitled Dating Your Best Friend. He writes why he cautions singles to be careful with opposite-sex buddies:

Given enough shared time and enough shared emotional energy, it is virtually impossible for stronger feelings not to develop. That’s great if it happens to both at generally the same time, but when only one of you begins to “fall,” the friendship is on an unavoidable track to change. But when “buddy” feelings start giving way to deeper heart feelings, it is rare to ever go back to “buddies.” (Emphasis added)

So it is difficult, if not impossible, for a guy and a girl to be best friends and for at least one of them not to feel anything romantic. This is because of the ample time and energy shared together. As I always tell my friends: “Proximity is the killer.”

COWARDICE AS COURAGE

In my time with the youth ministry, I have observed a trend. Since in my youth group exclusive relationships are highly discouraged, teenagers have resorted to guy-girl bestfriendships. They claim to be best friends with a person of the opposite sex, but everybody knows that there is something more. The bestfriendship is simply a façade for their mutual affections.

Now let me talk to men at this point. Some of you find yourselves being best friends with a woman whom you romantically admire. But you are comfortable staying in that situation, and stay in it for long.1 And you even think that it’s courageous of you to be best friends with her. But guess what? You’re simply hiding your cowardice and mask it in the form of courage.

So here’s my advice: Man up! If you really like (as in “romantically” like) the woman, or your female “best friend,” then be intentional towards her. Don’t just settle in “we-are-just-best-friends” zone. Initiate to declare your affections and define the relationship. Take some risks. Save yourself of making an emotional investment into an otherwise undefined relationship. And relieve yourself and her from being the gossip of the town (believe me; it happens).

DO YOU HAVE A FEMALE BEST FRIEND, ENZO?

Answer: None!

I’ve been blessed with a lot of godly female friends. And for some of them, I’m enjoying a close friendship. But I don’t have a female best friend, with whom I share enough time and emotions with.

But if ever I’ll have a girl buddy someday, I’ll make sure that I will marry her in the future. After all, she is the best female friend I have ever seen.

1There is nothing wrong being best friends with the opposite sex, as long as it has a potential for courtship and marriage. What I do not approve is when a man settles to be best friends with a woman he romantically admires and does not act intentionally towards her.

Recent blogs on How’s Your Heart?:

– Placing the Friendship First
– Men’s Fear of Rejection is An Identity Issue
– It’s Good to be Discreet

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Live, Love, & Laugh (September 12, 2012)

September 12, 2012 — Leave a comment

Today, I’m introducing a new segment called Live, Love, & Laugh. The posts under this category are in nature “mixtures of truth and humor.” I’ll try to post every Wednesday for this segment. It’s healthy to have a healthy dose of laughter.

Here’s the first one:

Slide1 Live, Love, & Laugh (September 12, 2012)

In & Laugh
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Hold Your Feelings

July 2, 2012 — 1 Comment

Hows Your Heart 1024x317 Hold Your Feelings

Do you remember a time when you saw someone for the first time and immediately got attracted? You can’t help yourself, so you repeatedly took glances on him or her (and sometimes he or she glances back). You began to daydream what would life be like if you can spend your lifetime with him or her. Soon, you befriended him or her, exchanged mobile numbers with one another, added him or her in Facebook, and communicated with him or her often. It was cloud nine!

Infatuation is one of the most powerful feelings a person could experience. I can attest to this. In his blog How Would Jesus Date?, Gary Thomas writes:

Brain research suggests that romantic attachment — infatuation — is more powerful than the sex drive. Neurologically speaking, it’s easier to say no to physical sexual passion than it is to regulate the rush of emotional infatuation.

Indeed, it is hard to control “the rush of emotional infatuation.” It is powerful! But just how powerful it is? Answer: It is so powerful that it makes a person act as if he or she is out of his or her mind.

Infatuated people do ridiculous things while in the “glorious state” of being in love. They usually aren’t thinking. They declare their feelings prematurely. They enter into an exclusive relationship too soon. And they hurt themselves unnecessarily.

SO WHAT SHOULD WE DO THEN?

So when we are on the brink of doing stupid things because of infatuation, what should we do? Here’s my answer: Hold our feelings! Of course, we hold them until the right time.

I know this is hard. But I have a few more reasons why we should hold our feelings when it isn’t the right time to do it yet. I’ll give you three. And each time, I’ll be quoting from Thomas.

1. It helps us develop self-control and patience. It takes a lot of discipline to put those feelings under control. And it takes patience to wait for the perfect time to display affections to a person of the opposite sex. Sadly, many people couldn’t do this. Thomas observes:

Many couples tend to be undisciplined and hasty in declaring their affection. They blurt out their feelings before seriously even knowing the other person. And then they tend to be very self-centered, wanting the other person to respond in kind and begin meeting their romantic fantasies with equal desperation.

The fruit of the Holy Spirit includes self-control (Galatians 5:23). And the apostle Paul tells us that love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4). In holding our feelings, we develop self-control and patience.

2. It is the most loving thing we could do for the other person. I find myself agreeing with Thomas here:

Feeling romantically inclined toward someone, but not mentioning it because you know doing so would be premature and unwise, is one of the most loving and difficult things you will ever be asked to do.

Aside from being the most loving thing we could do, holding our feelings defeats selfishness. Thomas continues:

It is difficult to feel so strongly and not talk about it with the one you’re infatuated with. And it is so delicious to hear that the feelings are returned. But giving free rein to such emotion and conversation is the opposite of love; it is selfish. It threatens that person’s emotional and spiritual health. It shows a lack of concern, a lack of care, a total lack of the willingness to sacrifice on which true love is based.

Jesus modeled us love and unselfishness through His life here on earth and ultimately on the cross. We ought to follow His example. So when we plan to display our affections to the other person, we must reflect if it is the most loving and unselfish thing to do. If it isn’t, then we must hold our feelings.

3. It allows us to consider the spiritual welfare of the other person. When we do not hold our feelings, it could threaten the other person’s emotional and spiritual health, as mentioned in the quote just above.

In the story of Lazarus’ death and resurrection (John 11), Jesus thought of Mary and Martha’s spiritual welfare. Thomas notes:

Jesus could have immediately traveled to Lazarus and healed him, and never given Mary or Martha an opportunity to question His love, or He could have allowed Lazarus to die, allowed Mary and Martha to go through a natural questioning of His love and commitment, and thereby teach them a valuable spiritual lesson. Jesus chose the spiritual lesson and waited until Lazarus died.

Jesus was more concerned with meeting the sisters’ spiritual needs more than their material needs. And if He thought of the spiritual welfare of the sisters, then we should also think of the spiritual welfare of others, including those we would want to display our feelings to.

Holding our feelings until the right time helps because doing so allows us to think lovingly and unselfishly. We become more concerned with the other person more than ourselves. And we become considerate of the other person’s spiritual welfare. If displaying our feelings would hinder the other person’s walk with the Lord, then we must hold it instead.

A PERSONAL STORY

I once planned to declare my feelings to a woman I admire. I went through a time of Bible reading, praying, thinking, and counsel-seeking. It was a time of holding my feelings to myself. And it was difficult! How I wish to do it soon. But I learned to discipline myself and to be patient.

In the end, I decided not to continue. Why? Because I thought of her spiritual maturity, relational readiness, and ministry commitments. Holding my feelings helped me think clearly, lovingly, and unselfishly.

And do I regret my decision? No! I’m glad I held my feelings. The woman grew in her love and knowledge of Jesus and in her love and service of His Bride, the church. If I was undisciplined, impatient, unloving, selfish, and careless of her spiritual welfare, and if I did not hold my feelings, I wonder: Would she continue to fall in love with Jesus and His church?

By the way, don’t forget to actually read Thomas’ blog. The whole blog is worth reading. I’m sure you’ll learn more from him.

Recent blogs on How’s Your Heart?:

– Keeping a Healthy Distance
– So What’s Your Plan, Young Man?
– Your Love Story is Beautifully Unique

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Keeping a Healthy Distance

June 11, 2012 — 1 Comment

Hows Your Heart 1024x317 Keeping a Healthy Distance

Some men are privileged to have a close friendship with a woman they admire. They get to spend lots of time with them. When they’re with the woman, they tend to forget the time and even the people around them. Blessed are those men!

But while they enjoy their proximity with the woman and the intimacy that comes with it, they also acknowledge that they are distracted. They lose focus on their priorities, they forget their other friends, and they even neglect their relationship with the Lord. They also realize the need to guard their hearts as well as the woman’s.

So they resolve to distance themselves from the woman, without letting her know the reason for it. They would totally remove the communication, and whenever the woman is around, they would intentionally avoid her. While what they’re doing is hard, at least they’re on the right track, right?

Well, my answer is maybe. I agree that there are benefits in distancing oneself from a woman. But this is only true when it is done properly. When it isn’t done right, it usually causes more damage than profit, especially in the part of the woman.

In this blog, I’ll explain two kinds of distance—one is an extreme form, the other a healthy one. Then I’ll give some principles on how to ensure a healthy distance. Also, I’m primarily addressing men here.

AN EXTREME FORM OF DISTANCE

The extreme form of distance usually involves non-interaction with the woman. In other words, the man completely avoids or excludes or ignores her. In her blog, What’s a Guy to Do? Elisabeth Adams discusses this concern. Addressing men, she writes:

You may feel that by choosing not to interact at all, you’re protecting a woman’s heart. But you may be wounding her heart by treating her as an invisible non-person, not a fellow child of God. A brother does not single out his sister for romantic attention. But neither does he ignore her.

Adams is right. Instead of protecting the woman’s heart, non-interaction or ignorance actually wounds a woman’s heart. It even brings confusion in her. The woman begins to ask questions like, “How come he’s ignoring me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Is there something wrong with me?” Dwelling on these thoughts do not really help the woman at all. In fact, it is not even necessary.

Gentlemen, I want you to remember this: Women are hurt when they are totally ignored or left hanging. A brother wouldn’t ignore her sister. We are commanded to treat women as sisters (1 Timothy 5:12). So a brother in Christ wouldn’t ignore a sister in Christ.

A HEALTHY ONE

Like I said a while ago, when done right, distancing oneself from a woman has benefits.

Admittedly, I once experienced distancing myself from a certain woman (but I don’t ignore her when we see each other). While it is hard to be separated, I can’t deny that it actually caused me good. During these “separated” times, I was able to find satisfaction in the Lord Jesus. I was also able to reflect on who I treasure most in my heart, and I’m glad to say that it’s God. I can say that distancing wasn’t just helpful, but even necessary.

So how can you ensure a healthy distance from a woman? Here are some principles that you can consider:

  1. It’s good that you talk with the woman and agree mutually. Here, I’m assuming that you already have plans with the woman (For a related discussion, see my blog So What’s Your Plan, Young Man?). Be honest with your intentions and plans. Carefully explain why you are distancing yourself from her. If she is mature enough, she should understand and be able to adjust during your absence.
  2. It’s good to maintain even a little interaction. You would want to avoid the extreme form of distance, totally ignoring the woman. It will never hurt if you’ll say “How are you?” and hear a brief update about her. It will never hurt to say a short encouragement. And it will never hurt to ask her how you could pray for her and to actually pray for her. After all, she’s still a sister in Christ.
  3. It’s good to treat them as sisters, with absolute purity. Never forget 1 Timothy 5:2.

Recent blogs on How’s Your Heart?:

– So What’s Your Plan, Young Man?
– Your Love Story is Beautifully Unique
– Having a List

In Courtship, Dating, & Relationships , , ,
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Weekly Wraps (June 4-10, 2012)

June 11, 2012 — Leave a comment

Adam Holz on choices, Dustin Neeley on disagreement over doctrine, Albert Mohler on birth control, and et cetera.

1. More Choices = Less Happiness? (Adam Holz) – Holz on choices. He wisely writes and asks: “Options and choices were supposed to make our lives more satisfying. But what if all those choices are having exactly the opposite effect and are in fact making us miserable because we struggle to commit to anything and immediately question whether we’ve made the best choice almost as soon as we’ve made it?”

2. 4 Ways to Fight Clean Over Doctrine (Dustin Neeley) – Neeley gives wise counsel on disagreements over doctrinal issues. This is helpful.

3. Can Christians Use Birth Control? (Albert Mohler) – Mohler concludes: “Therefore, Christians may make careful and discriminating use of proper technologies, but must never buy into the contraceptive mentality. We can never see children as problems to be avoided, but always as gifts to be welcomed and received.” I agree.

4. Coming This Fall: Tim Keller’s Center Church (Collin Hansen) – Hansen on Keller’s latest book. Keller keeps on publishing books, and I haven’t yet read one besides The Reason for God.

5. Letter to a 13-Year Old Asking How to Go Deeper in Bible Study (John Piper) – Piper gives some ideas on Bible study.

6. What’s a Guy to Do? (Elisabeth Adams) – Adams gives five ways to help men protect a woman’s heart and making their intentions clear.

7. Center Church Trailer 

 

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